I’m not sure why I torture myself with the highly awkward, sometimes nerve-wracking, very time consuming social ritual of dating. If the purpose is to find a mate, count me out. An occasional free meal and movie? Well, I suppose.
A majority of my girlfriends in New York are mooching occasional Saturday night meals as well. This guarantees at least a few entertaining IM’s on Monday morning that begin with “L, you’re not going to believe this.”
For all the eligible bachelors that read this blog (ha) or those that are considering playing matchmaker, I’ve put together a list of 10 rules for dating my friends and I:
1. Don’t brag about having a car. We live in New York City. The fact that you have a car only makes me think you’re frivolous and dumb.
2. Don’t use a Q-tip accident as an excuse to cancel a date. (I wish I were joking. The guy should have just lied because now every time I see him in the elevator at work I can't help but giggle.)
3. Don’t use pick up lines. And, yes, asking what the worst pick up line I've heard counts as a pick-up line.
4. Don’t try to out-vocabulary me. I don’t mean to brag, but I was reared by Ruby “the vocabular-ian” Norris. I’m going to win every time (see next rule).
5. Don’t expect me to play games or pretend to be damsel-like or let you win just because you have a Y chromosome.
6. Don’t hog my text messages. My text quotient needs to be rationed each month for Becks and Dad. And frankly, I like them better than you.
7. Don’t tell me you’ve “prematurely retired.” I know what that means. I’ve tried the unemployed partner thing in the past and it didn’t quite work out.
8. Don’t ask me out if you’re old enough to remember Vietnam or too young to remember the Gulf War.
9. Don’t pretend to speak Spanish when you don’t. I studied the language for 10 semesters. I can tell when you’re speaking nonsense.
10. Don’t insult my apartment. You grew up 50 miles away in New Jersey. When you pack up your entire life and move across the country with two suitcases, then you can judge my shortage of grown-up furniture.
I think this post officially guarantees my status as the eternal third wheel, old cat lady.
-L :)
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3 comments:
Hahaha... if this list guarantees a spot as an old cat lady, count me in! Maybe we can live in the same house when we're old, and have eighty cats, and yell at people on the street together. Becks and G should live next door.
I'm not sure about the yelling part. Then we'd be crazy, old cat ladies and that would just be unfortunate.
I feel that you forgot the most important one:
If you are going to go on a date with me. At least take the time to learn something about me. Don't only talk about yourself. Just knowing my name does not constitue a 2nd date.
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