Merry Christmas, Mr. Van der Jerk

Dear T-bone Van der Jerk,

I was thinking. Have you ever seen A Christmas Carol? It’s the story of Ebenezer Scrooge who is so consumed by greed that he's visited by three spirits. Yadda yadda -- he throws money in the streets.

How about Frosty the Snowman? A discarded top hat brings a snowman to life, then becomes the focus of a struggle between a greedy magician and a group of schoolchildren. Yadda yadda -- Santa Claus saves the day.

And, my personal favorite, A Charlie Brown Christmas? It’s the story of the reliably depressed Charlie Brown who complains about the commercial corruption of Christmas. Yadda yadda -- Snoopy sings a Christmas carol.

This leads me to my holiday spirit-filled point.

You’re a boob.

And, because you’re a boob (repetitive use of the word “boob” is my new SEO strategy), I kindly request that you refrain from operating a motor vehicle in the vicinity of my family. It’s time to trade in your child molester van for a bicycle, a Flying Turtle, or maybe those fancy wheel-y shoes all the kids are wearing these days. Vehicles driven by government employees are acceptable too.

Your actions this week have landed you on two official lists:

1 The Official List of Unfit Drivers
This list includes but is not limited to Canadians, NYC taxi drivers, and toddlers.

2. The Official List of Idiots
Your lack of proper insurance coverage makes you a certified idiot. Congrats, you’ve joined the ranks of that guy from CSI, Elliot Spitzer, and IKEA.

Plus, I’m pretty sure my dad can beat up your dad.

Merry Christmas.